The Employment App

When I was still part of the workforce, I

couldn’t tell you how many applications

for employment I filled out between jobs

or while working, but looking for something

better.

One establishment in particular comes to

mind, the name of which escapes me at the

moment. And even if I could recall, it wouldn’t

be worth mentioning.

Anyway, I went to the front desk in the lobby

and asked the receptionist for an application.

She handed me a four-sided form and told me

to make sure to fill out front and back, sign and

return it to her when I was finished.

I sat in an arm chair next to a potted plant and

began. Damn questions. I hate these forms.

Want a detailed history from birth. Suppose

they’d want to know if I have any undisclosed

birthmarks? Let’s see, was that position I held

from 1984 to 1986 or was it 1987?

My dates and numbers better jibe or this exercise

will be a complete waste of time.

It took me the better part of an hour to finish the

stupid thing. So, I take the completed application

back to the receptionist. She flips through it and

notices I have left one question blank—Are you

a smoker?

Well, I figure that’s nobody’s business but mine.

If there is no smoking on the job, I can go along

with that. But what I do with my time is my own

personal right. And I thought to myself, they didn’t

ask if I drank alcohol to excess or engaged hookers

with my own dime.

So, what’s with the smoking bit? We don’t hire

active smokers inside or out, she stated most

emphatically. Says right here in our opening

mission statement. Well, what if I shower and

splash on Old Spice liberally each morning

before I come to work, I came back at her with

my most tactful sarcasm?

No smokers, she said sharply. Why, that’s

just plane UN-American I insisted.

And with that I took the application back and

in front of her and God, I ripped that piece of

crap application in half, placing it defiantly

on the counter in front of her. Have a nice day.

I turned and walked out the door. Huh, no

smokers indeed, I said, lighting up on the way

to my car. I may even have a drink or two when

I get home. But I was only kidding with myself

about that hooker thing.

                         -30-

Chris Hanch 5-27-2020