PCH as Seen on TV

On TV, I watch a lucky family win $5000

a week for life from Publisher’s Clearing

House. That shit’s been going on for years.

The prize used to be awarded in one lump

sum, but folks figured that the taxes on that

would be too high. Better to receive a lesser

amount over time, I suppose. A few years

back, I worked with a man who went home

to eat lunch every day. He checked the mail

and reported back that he had not been no-

tified as a winner yet. And I reminded him

about the commercial: They come to your

house unannounced. They’ll ring the door-

bell with a bouquet of flowers and a handful

of balloons. They’ll smile, jump up and down,

and hand you an oversize check. Your eyes

will damn near pop out of your head. You’ll

put your hands over your face in disbelief,

screaming with glee. Mr. Jones, the man with

a microphone says...Congratulations! Mr. Jones?

you’ll tell him, he’s the guy next door! Oh my,

the announcer replies apologetically, our mis-

take. Have a nice day anyway. And the whole

film crew walks away before they can even

pop the cork on the campaign. So, as a distrac-

tion, I asked my coworker, what he had for lunch?

A double bologna with mustard on rye, he replied.

And attempting to be conciliatory, I said to him,

well at least you made it back to work on time.

That was a number of years ago, and to this day,

I must admit that I have never known anybody

who has won that damn Publisher’s Clearing

House Sweepstakes. And, as the case might be,

if you’ve been either lucky or unfortunate enough

to have known me, I would encourage you not to

get your hopes up.

Chris Hanch 8-9-19